I can’t take my eyes off of you.
I can’t take my mind off of you.
- Damien Rice “The Blower’s Daughter”
I never thought I would feel like this so completely alone and vulnerable. If I could just turn back time but that is just a theory, isn’t it? Once again, it’s three a.m. and here I sit brooding in silence in the dark. Wondering what in the hell I have done to deserve this punishment?
Everything was fine. My life was going along not great but I was coping. I excel at coping. It is a skill that I have developed over the years to help me get through the black periods. Those times when I have to remember to breathe just to get out of bed.
I wasn’t looking for anything or anyone. Then again, isn’t that how it starts? For once in my life, I wanted something easy. I just wanted things to calm down so that I could get my bearings. Of course, that isn’t what I was given. Instead, I was thrown into this whirlwind of passionate feelings and uncertainty.
It was a cold day in October when everything changed. I remember I wasn’t prepared for what was coming and it felt like I was blindsided by a bus. Is it possible that circumstances in life are pre-ordained? I saw a movie once where two souls fell in love in heaven and then were sent to earth unbeknownst to one another. They spent half their lives making mistakes until they finally found each other. This is how I felt.
Life always seemed like a series of incongruous events that somehow didn’t make any sense to me. Recounting this feels like another lifetime. Perhaps it was, one where I had a brief glimpse of what it felt like to be normal.
From the moment I saw you, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. There was something about you, about the way you carried yourself, every little nuance was heightened. When I looked at you, I felt something primal and visceral that went soul deep. It was as if you were part of my DNA.
When you looked at me, I lost all sense of time and place. All I could focus on was you. The first night we spent talking until the sun came up, I felt as if I had known you for years. Maybe I did in some alternate reality. All I knew is that when I left you, it physically hurt.
The more time we spent together, the greedier I became. I wanted all of you. Every piece of you to have and hold near to my heart. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You had consumed my every waking thought. When I was with you, things made sense. I could breathe and be myself. No hiding, no pretense, just me and the raw truth.
Once in a lifetime, something will happen that will alter the way that you perceive the world in which you live. When you are in the middle of a hurricane, you lose perspective. The blinders that you have on for protection keep you from seeing what is real. Obsession and love become intertwined and a potent mix.
All I wanted to do was keep you with me. Beside me forever. I gave you my heart, my body, my soul it seemed like a fair trade. So, I made a deal. Vows were made and in exchange I promised to love, cherish and keep you until death do us part.
We were inseparable. Skies were blue, intentions were clear and the weather was calm. This lasted for quite some time. I never thought it was possible to be happy. To even have that word in my lexicon was amazing. My favorite thing to do was watch you when you were sleeping. I memorized your face because you never know when you might need that particular map to find your way home.
Time marched on, years flew by my one constant was my unwavering feelings for you. Then one day, you disappeared. Off the grid, out of sight, out of my reach into another realm. Gone were the memories that we made along with the light in my life.
I no longer smiled. How could I? You were my muse, my focal point, the sun around which I revolved. Imagine my anger at knowing I would never see you, hear your voice, or touch your face ever again. It was all too much to bear.
I wander the earth, my soul broken in two, my heart torn apart praying that it has all been a mistake and that I will see your smile around the next corner. Each time is a rude awakening. Another reminder that I am alone and that once, a very long time ago, I had it all.
People tell me I will find someone new. In time, I will remember everything. I know none of this to be true. Anyone who has experienced loss knows the grieving process ends when it wants to not when you tell it to.
For now, I live with regrets. Regret at not capturing every moment and saving it in my memory. Regret for not telling you how much better my life was knowing that you were a part of it. Regret for not being able to say goodbye, for leaving us unfinished. I regret letting you go.